when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
