Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize