The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
