you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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