i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize