you told grandpa to call you daddy
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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