dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
