Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You have to summon your inner elephant
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
