got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
