Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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