apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize