my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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