I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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