you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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