You work out of a Hotel?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
And then he peed in my hair
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