I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
