You smell like stripper and shame
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
