I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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