are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
