well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
