There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm really into asian looking animals
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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