Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
