Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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