She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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