can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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