Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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