Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Randomize
