I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
