At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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