Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
