So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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