best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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