She's JV to your varsity
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
