i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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