She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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