Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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