he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
