got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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