PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
