We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
