Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize