My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
