Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
