Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
