I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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