My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
