'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
