My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
