The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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