I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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