A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
