Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
