Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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