Umm I'm too high to move.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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