I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
