you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
