I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
