I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
