My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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